Crichton: There's life out here, Dad. Weird, amazing, psychotic life.
And death. In Technicolor. Hey, Dad, you know those rattlers in the
stomach we talked about? Well, I've got them now.

                                                   -- Farscape 1.1: Premiere
%
Crichton: Boy, was Spielberg ever wrong. Close Encounters my ass.

                                                   -- Farscape 1.1: Premiere
%
Rygel: I'm Rygel the Sixteenth, dominar to over six hundred billion
people. I don't need to talk to you.

                                                   -- Farscape 1.1: Premiere
%
Aeryn: He claims to be a human from a planet called Erp.

                                                   -- Farscape 1.1: Premiere
%
Jack Crichton: [before John's launch] Son, I can't help being who I am.
Who I was.

John Crichton: It's not who you are, Dad: I love who you are. It's being
son of who you are. [nervous chuckle] Look, I... can't be your kind of
hero.

Jack Crichton: No, you can't be. But each man gets a chance to be his
own kind of hero. Your time will come, and when it does, watch out.
Chances are it'll be the last thing you ever expected.

                                                   -- Farscape 1.1: Premiere
%
Press representative: [explaining theory behind Farscape One project]

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, at 26:14 on the flight clock, we
begin the major experiment of this shuttle mission. Commander John
Crichton will pilot a craft of his own design in a dangerous attempt to
use our planet's gravity as a speed booster, slingshotting him off into
space at previously unrecorded speeds. If successful, the results are
anticipated as the first concrete steps toward interstellar travel.

                                                   -- Farscape 1.1: Premiere
%
Crichton: [seeing Moya for the first time] That's big. That's really
big.

                                                   -- Farscape 1.1: Premiere
%
Rygel: I found the manifest. We were scheduled for transfer to
Terron-Ra.

D'Argo: That's a lifer's colony!

John Crichton: [surprised] Prisoner... you're escaped prisoners?

D'Argo: [solemnly] I will not be taken prisoner again.

Rygel: [noticing Crichton] They brought you on board, didn't they? Don't
worry, I'll protect you. I look after you now, you look after me later.

                                                   -- Farscape 1.1: Premiere
%
Zhaan: [after initial starburst] Pilot, does Moya know where we are?

Pilot: Yes, of course! We're someplace else. I'll... get back to you on
the specifics.

                                                   -- Farscape 1.1: Premiere
%
Rygel: [about an unusual aspect of Hynerian physiology] It's a perfectly
natural bodily function. And it's odorless.

D'Argo: So your loyal subjects tell you!

John Crichton: You fart helium?

                                                   -- Farscape 1.1: Premiere
%
Crais: [to Crichton] A human? It will require some study. I will
personally enjoy pulling you apart to see what you're made of.

                                                   -- Farscape 1.1: Premiere
%
John Crichton: [with pulse pistol, to Peacekeeper guards] Don't move! Or
I'll fill you full of... little yellow bolts of light!

                                                   -- Farscape 1.1: Premiere
%
Aeryn Sun: It's my duty, it's my breeding since birth. It's what I am.

John Crichton: You can be more.

                                                   -- Farscape 1.1: Premiere
%
Crichton: It's just like a VCR, except easier.

                                                      -- Farscape 1.2: I, ET
%
Crichton: We can stick our heads between our legs and kiss our asses
goodbye. It's a saying.

                                                      -- Farscape 1.2: I, ET
%
Crichton: The sound is doing something to my eye. Feels like it's
melting my brain. It couldn't actually be doing something to my brain,
could it?

                                                      -- Farscape 1.2: I, ET
%
Rygel: [I'm] aquatic. That's water, not mud. Mud is mud. You can't
breathe in it, you can't move in it. It holds you, it grabs you, it
sucks you down. You want to know about mud? I know about mud!

Crichton: The guy knows mud.

                                                      -- Farscape 1.2: I, ET
%
Crichton: [stepping out onto the planet for the first time] Kinda like
Louisiana. Or Dagobah.

[Aeryn looks at him]

Crichton: Dagobah. Where Yoda lives.

                                                      -- Farscape 1.2: I, ET
%
Crichton: Look, I understand what a phenomenal moment this is for you.

Lyneea: Do you? Can you? I mean, to you space-travel is commonplace. But
to us, here, I mean in one flash....

Crichton: ....you learn that you're not alone in the universe. That
interstellar space travel is possible, that a zillion of your empirical
facts about science and religion are wrong, or completely suspect? I do
understand.

                                                      -- Farscape 1.2: I, ET
%
Crichton: You know, when I was your age, I used to dream about meeting a
real, live alien.

Fostro: Yeah. Me too.

                                                      -- Farscape 1.2: I, ET
%
Rygel: Mother always said I was the best looking. That's why she had my
older brothers banished. She said my face belonged on the Imperial seal.

                                        -- Farscape 1.3: Exodus from Genesis
%
Aeryn: No offense, human, but what could I possibly need from you?

Crichton: Manners, personality, stock tips.

                                        -- Farscape 1.3: Exodus from Genesis
%
Aeryn: [about Peacekeeper commandos] I'm sure your world has no force so
ruthless, so disciplined.

Crichton: Oh, we call them linebackers. Or serial killers, depends on if
they're... professional or amateur.

                                        -- Farscape 1.3: Exodus from Genesis
%
D'Argo: [to differentiate themselves from their clones] We will cut off
the tip of our small finger for identification.

Crichton: [with can of spray paint] How about something a little less
permanent?

                                        -- Farscape 1.3: Exodus from Genesis
%
Crichton: Stimulant? That's a little more than cappuccino, pal. Our
friend just tried to kill us!

                                          -- Farscape 1.4: Throne for a Loss
%
Crichton: That's your plan? Wile E. Coyote would come up with a better
plan than that!

                                          -- Farscape 1.4: Throne for a Loss
%
Crichton: Next time you hit me, make sure I don't wake up.

                                          -- Farscape 1.4: Throne for a Loss
%
Rygel: If you must address me, do so as Your Supreme Eminence. Which you
should be doing anyway.

                                          -- Farscape 1.4: Throne for a Loss
%
Zhaan: Soft, yes. Weak, no.

                                          -- Farscape 1.4: Throne for a Loss
%
Zhaan: Am I the only species in creation that doesn't thrive on conflict?

                                          -- Farscape 1.4: Throne for a Loss
%
Crichton: Open your ears, or your tentacles, or whatever orifice it is
you listen with!

                       -- Farscape 1.5: Back and Back and Back to the Future
%
Crichton: Ask me later. Just ask me later when I've got more time. Of
course I could be dead three or four times by the time you ask.

                       -- Farscape 1.5: Back and Back and Back to the Future
%
Crichton: This is the end of hyper rage? I get hugged to death?

                               -- Farscape 1.6: Thank God It's Friday. Again
%
Aeryn: Nobody knows you here. It's only people who know you that want to
kill you.

                               -- Farscape 1.6: Thank God It's Friday. Again
%
Aeryn: She gives me a woody. [Crichton looks at her] Woody. Human
saying. I've heard you say it often when you don't trust someone, or
they make you nervous, then they give you--

Crichton: The willies! She gives you the willies.

                               -- Farscape 1.6: Thank God It's Friday. Again
%
Aeryn: Yes, well, the day that they prove that is the day I let
Palmonian meat hounds tear all the flesh from my bones.

                               -- Farscape 1.6: Thank God It's Friday. Again
%
Crichton: They spit fire? How come no one tells me this stuff? How come
no one tells me they spit fire? Aeryn!

                                               -- Farscape 1.7: PK Tech Girl
%
Crichton: I try to save a life a day. Usually it's my own.

                                               -- Farscape 1.7: PK Tech Girl
%
Crichton: Human. It's kinda like Sebacean, but we haven't conquered
other worlds yet, so we just kick the crap out of each other.

                                               -- Farscape 1.7: PK Tech Girl
%
Rygel: Long enough for me to see your blue backside meditating, but not
long enough for you to touch me.

                                               -- Farscape 1.7: PK Tech Girl
%
Zhaan: I'm a trusting soul at best, but not to a fault.

                                               -- Farscape 1.7: PK Tech Girl
%
Zhaan: There you are. We've been looking all over for you, Rygel. You're
making the DRD's nervous.

                                               -- Farscape 1.7: PK Tech Girl
%
Crichton: It's not Kansas, and you're way too homely to be Auntie Em,
but... Come here, Toto.

                                       -- Farscape 1.8: That Old Black Magic
%
Rygel: John Crichton, unwelcome shipmate. May you have safe transport to
the hallowed realm. Actually, not our hallowed realm. That's for
Hynerians. Go find your own hallowed realm. With the Ceremony of Passage
completed, I declare you officially dead, and claim all your possessions
for myself.

                                       -- Farscape 1.8: That Old Black Magic
%
Rygel: You honestly believe I could find you appealing? I mean, you're
so, so, blue!

                                          -- Farscape 1.9: DNA Mad Scientist
%
Rygel: I'm always ravenous when I'm about to take a long journey.

                                          -- Farscape 1.9: DNA Mad Scientist
%
Aeryn: You and the others are trying to get home avoiding Peacekeeper
territories. My home is Peacekeeper territories; it's just that I can't
ever go back there. Ever.

                                          -- Farscape 1.9: DNA Mad Scientist
%
Zhaan: Rygel, what a surprise. I see you're having something to eat. Is
this your third helping or your fourth?

                                          -- Farscape 1.9: DNA Mad Scientist
%
Pilot: If he should ask for it, what body part are you willing to offer
for it, your Eminence?

                                          -- Farscape 1.9: DNA Mad Scientist
%
Aeryn: You say you want to go back to this planet of pain and suffering!

Crichton: Well you guys don't have chocolate.

                                      -- Farscape 1.10: They've Got A Secret
%
Pilot: ...she reallocated some resources.

Rygel: "Reallocated some resources"?! She starved you and almost
suffocated us!

                                      -- Farscape 1.10: They've Got A Secret
%
Crichton: Back off! Get that weapon out of my face before I feed it to
you. Now tell your bitch to let my female go.

                                 -- Farscape 1.11: Till The Blood Runs Clear
%
Crichton: I'm Butch. This is Sundance. We're the Hole in the Sky gang.

                                 -- Farscape 1.11: Till The Blood Runs Clear
%
Rygel: I don't think you want to go after her. She said something about
leaving her clothes behind.

                                 -- Farscape 1.11: Till The Blood Runs Clear
%
Aeryn: I am no one's female!

                                 -- Farscape 1.11: Till The Blood Runs Clear
%
D'Argo: Something Crichton said is disturbing me.

Rygel: Finally! I've been saying that since he arrived.

D'Argo: It's what he said about us all having the same dream.

Rygel: It wasn't the same. Mine was better than yours.

                                          -- Farscape 1.12: Rhapsody in Blue
%
Crichton: That's my underwear.

Aeryn: [points to tag] What does this say?

Crichton: Calvin.

Aeryn: Well, they're not yours.

                                          -- Farscape 1.12: Rhapsody in Blue
%
Rygel: I like my wives pregnant and my ships cold to the touch. That way
my feet stay warm and my slumber is uninterrupted.

Crichton: Wives plural? Big fella! [gives him high-five]

                                          -- Farscape 1.12: Rhapsody in Blue
%
Zhaan: We all visit the precipice. Each one of us must find our own way
down.

                                          -- Farscape 1.12: Rhapsody in Blue
%
Crichton: It's like Disney on acid! Ten years of really great sex all at
the same moment.

                                          -- Farscape 1.12: Rhapsody in Blue
%
Zhaan: I am unimpressed by your masculine memories.

                                          -- Farscape 1.12: Rhapsody in Blue
%
Crichton: One thing, just to be absolutely certain, you are the female
of your species, right? I'll take that as a yes.

                                                  -- Farscape 1.13: The Flax
%
Aeryn: [Crichton falls on top of Aeryn and she smiles]Are you
comfortable? Can I get you a pillow?

                                                  -- Farscape 1.13: The Flax
%
Crichton: Since I left home, I've been hunted, beaten, locked up,
shanghaied, shot at. I've had alien creatures in my face, up my nose,
inside my brain, down my pants. This is the first time, the first place,
where I've felt peace.

                                         -- Farscape 1.14: Jeremiah Crichton
%
Crichton: [watches as Rygel is being worshipped as a god] The slug that
would be king.

                                         -- Farscape 1.14: Jeremiah Crichton
%
Crichton: Come on out, Chiana. Look, I don't have time to play this
game. Durka's gone Hannibal Lecter on us.

                                             -- Farscape 1.15: Durka Returns
%
Crichton: Nebari mental cleansing doesn't get the tough stains out.

                                             -- Farscape 1.15: Durka Returns
%
Chiana: Typical male. Satisfy yourself first.

                                             -- Farscape 1.15: Durka Returns
%
Crichton: They have worlds out there, people that you wouldn't believe.
But they do not have chocolate.

                                          -- Farscape 1.16: A Human Reaction
%
Aeryn: Rain... Is that what you call this? I like it.

                                          -- Farscape 1.16: A Human Reaction
%
Crichton: Listen, sunshine... You wanna be part of this crew?

Chiana: On your good days!

Crichton: This is one of the good days. I thought you were junior Miss
Tough-Chick-of-the-Universe?

                                 -- Farscape 1.17: Through the Looking Glass
%
Crichton: I haven't heard of anything like anything happening before. My
planet doesn't even go to the moon anymore.

                                 -- Farscape 1.17: Through the Looking Glass
%
Crichton: You'll be happy to know I have a plan.

                                 -- Farscape 1.17: Through the Looking Glass
%
Chiana: You saw a creature? What kind of creature? The kind we eat? Or
the kind that eats us?

                                 -- Farscape 1.17: Through the Looking Glass
%
D'Argo: One Mippippippi... Two Mippippippi...

                                 -- Farscape 1.17: Through the Looking Glass
%
Crichton: Oh hell, we're screwed.

Rygel: Should I disrobe so it's memorable?

                                 -- Farscape 1.17: Through the Looking Glass
%
Zhaan: My dear, I've kicked more ass than you've sat on.

                                 -- Farscape 1.17: Through the Looking Glass
%
Crichton: Always a party.

                                              -- Farscape 1.18: A Bug's Life
%
Chiana: Is everybody aboard this ship kinkoid?

                                              -- Farscape 1.18: A Bug's Life
%
Crichton: Fetch the comfy chair.

                                                     -- Farscape 1.19: Nerve
%
Crichton: A little while ago a commando skewered you with his Swiss
Peacekeeper army knife.

                                                     -- Farscape 1.19: Nerve
%
Crichton: Danger... danger, Will Robinson. Beware of the chair... beware
of the chair.

                                                     -- Farscape 1.19: Nerve
%
Stark: [raving and pointing] ...MY SIDE! YOUR SIDE! MY SIDE! YOUR
SIDE!...

                                                     -- Farscape 1.19: Nerve
%
Rygel: My progeny were tiny. Tiny and handsome, like their father.

                                         -- Farscape 1.20: The Hidden Memory
%
D'Argo: I'm coming with you. If you can be an idiot, I can be an idiot.

                                         -- Farscape 1.20: The Hidden Memory
%
Rygel: You're not seriously considering going down there are you? For
goodness sake, did you see that thing?

D'Argo: You do not have to go down there, Your Flatulence.

                                           -- Farscape 1.21: Bone to be Wild
%
Crichton: All right, one quick trip to the pharmacy coming up. Out the
door, turn left at the creature.

                                           -- Farscape 1.21: Bone to be Wild
%
Chiana: If your hand is still there in one microt, I'll snap it off and
use it as a good luck charm.

                                           -- Farscape 1.21: Bone to be Wild
%
D'Argo: Zhaan, let me explain to you what is going on inside my nose
right now. Large pieces of green mucus, gunk...

Crichton: D'Argo, D'Argo, no no no. Stop it with the Luxan poetry.

                                           -- Farscape 1.21: Bone to be Wild
%
Zhaan: How animalcentric of you, John!

                                           -- Farscape 1.21: Bone to be Wild
%
D'Argo: No offense, but I say we take this tree-hugger, shove him out
the access port, and get the hezmana out of here.

                                           -- Farscape 1.21: Bone to be Wild
%
Crichton: It's a Jerry Springer kind of family. But for what it's worth,
Zhaan, you are family.

                                               -- Farscape 1.22: Family Ties
%
Aeryn: Oh, just to be in the warm glow of all this testosterone.

                                               -- Farscape 1.22: Family Ties
%
Crichton: How you doing?

D'Argo: I have to pee. [Both start laughing]

                                               -- Farscape 1.22: Family Ties
%
D'Argo: She was vague to the point that I suspect she doesn't have a
clue.

                                               -- Farscape 1.22: Family Ties
%
D'Argo: Fear accompanies the possibility of death. Calm shepherds its
certainty.

Crichton: I love hanging with you, man.

                                               -- Farscape 1.22: Family Ties
%
Crichton: [seeing the burning moon] Hey you bastards... John Crichton
Was Here!

                                               -- Farscape 1.22: Family Ties
%
D'Argo: As John once said, I would rather go down on a swing!

Crichton: Swinging. Go down swinging.

                                              -- Farscape 2.1: Mind The Baby
%
Crichton: How many times have we been close?

Aeryn: [Looking at D'Argo and whispering back] Just the once.

Crichton: [quietly] No, no no no. not that kind of close.

Aeryn: Oh, you mean friend close. Umm, [clears throat] more than once.

                                              -- Farscape 2.1: Mind The Baby
%
Rygel: May your afterlife be almost as pleasant as mine.

                                              -- Farscape 2.1: Mind The Baby
%
Crichton: Fine, just-- ditch the firm, fly to Maui, shack up with the
super model--BUT YOU DO NOT GET TO KEEP THE PORSCHE!

                                              -- Farscape 2.1: Mind The Baby
%
D'Argo: Paper cannot possibly beat rock.

Crichton: It does. Paper beats rock.

D'Argo: Rock rips through paper.

Crichton: D'Argo, that's not how it works. Paper beats rock.

D'Argo: That's unrealistic.

                                              -- Farscape 2.1: Mind The Baby
%
Chiana: You know until today, I never really realized how much I love my
feet.

                                               -- Farscape 2.2: Vitas Mortis
%
Crichton: Aeryn, what the hell is wrong with you? You are the pin up
girl for frontal assault.

                                           -- Farscape 2.3: Taking the Stone
%
D'Argo: You robbed the dead!

Rygel: And believe me, that wasn't as easy as it sounds.

                                           -- Farscape 2.3: Taking the Stone
%
Crichton: I got great eyes; they're better than 20/20, and they're blue!

                                      -- Farscape 2.4: Crackers Don't Matter
%
Crichton: Bingo! Give Brainiac the fluffy doll!

                                      -- Farscape 2.4: Crackers Don't Matter
%
Crichton: Is that it, Sparky? Gonna take the road well-traveled? Gonna
play dumb? [singing] I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
Baskin Robbins, Ben and Jerry's, Good Humor. What's your
favorite--creamsicle or fudgesicle?

                                      -- Farscape 2.4: Crackers Don't Matter
%
Aeryn: Next time you'll be a crouton, Crichton!

                                      -- Farscape 2.4: Crackers Don't Matter
%
Chiana: I'm having sex with 3 hynerian donkeys; what does it look like
I'm doing?

                                      -- Farscape 2.4: Crackers Don't Matter
%
Pilot: I'm only judging on my experience with you, but I've never seen
such a deficient species.

                                      -- Farscape 2.4: Crackers Don't Matter
%
Crichton: I'm not deficient. I'm superior! Humans. Are. Superior.

                                      -- Farscape 2.4: Crackers Don't Matter
%
T'raltixx: [repeated line] I need more light! More light!

                                      -- Farscape 2.4: Crackers Don't Matter
%
Scorpius hallucination/Harvey: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and
you like revenge, don't you, John?

Crichton: Shut up! I hate it when villains quote Shakespeare.

                                      -- Farscape 2.4: Crackers Don't Matter
%
Scorpius hallucination/Harvey: [in a Hawaiian shirt, about Aeryn] Kill
her! Then we'll have pizza! [holds up bottles] And margarita shooters!
Go on, John, do it. Do it!

Crichton: [points both his weapons at Scorpius] No one has margaritas
with pizza!

                                      -- Farscape 2.4: Crackers Don't Matter
%
Crichton: [about the paste Zhaan is spreading on his face] What the hell
is this?

Zhaan: Heat-deflecting paste; you'll burn up in there without it.

Crichton: Smells like puke.

Zhaan: I pre-digested it to increase its potency.

Crichton: It's puke?!

                                      -- Farscape 2.4: Crackers Don't Matter
%
Pilot: While vaguely concerned about you, I am much more interested in
how this will affect Moya.

                                      -- Farscape 2.4: Crackers Don't Matter
%
Crichton: The ionic radiation gives her photogasms, unless she's faking
it. They can do that, you know. Hey, Zhaan, you faking it?

                                      -- Farscape 2.4: Crackers Don't Matter
%
Rygel: I never run away. I... strategically maneuver.

                                      -- Farscape 2.4: Crackers Don't Matter
%
Crichton: I don't think Pilot's in a "Leviathan for Dummies" mood right
now...

                                         -- Farscape 2.5: The Way We Weren't
%
Crichton: Maldis! C'mon you old bastard, show your ugly face. Haven't
you read the super villain's handbook? This is where you're supposed to
twirl your mustache and gloat.

Maldis: I don't have a mustache John.

                                        -- Farscape 2.6: Picture if You Will
%
Maldis: As you said, this magical-mystery crap's not your thing.

                                        -- Farscape 2.6: Picture if You Will
%
Crichton: Hey Blue! Delivery. It's not exactly Dominos, but it got here
in less than 30 minutes.

                                        -- Farscape 2.7: Home on the Remains
%
Crichton: You can eat anything if it's fried.

                                        -- Farscape 2.7: Home on the Remains
%
Crichton: Screw'em Zhaanie. You're a tenth level Pa'u, you get to
eleven, we get a TV ministry.

                                       -- Farscape 2.8: Dream a Little Dream
%
Rygel: We haven't lied yet. Of course the trial has only been on for a
few microts.

                                       -- Farscape 2.8: Dream a Little Dream
%
Jar Rouin: Trust me, I'm a lawyer.

                                       -- Farscape 2.8: Dream a Little Dream
%
Crichton: Have we sent the "don't shoot us we're pathetic" transmission
yet?

D'Argo: That was actually the first thing we tried.

                                         -- Farscape 2.9: Out of Their Minds
%
Rygel: Oh yes, I'm back too. Thanks for asking. Back to being me. Back
to being ignored.

                                         -- Farscape 2.9: Out of Their Minds
%
John: Well they say you have to walk a mile in someone's shoes to
understand them.

Aeryn: Well I certainly know what you were doing when you were in my
shoes, Crichton.

John: Gimme a break.

Aeryn: It's okay. It's okay, you know. You were in my shoes, I was in
your pants...

                                         -- Farscape 2.9: Out of Their Minds
%
Zhaan: By the goddess! What is this madness that has overtaken all of
you?

Aeryn [in John]: We'll explain later; just shoot us, Zhaan. Full power,
and don't worry, we'll have the screen up.

Zhaan: Are you sure about this, Crichton?

Rygel [in Aeryn]: Shoot the damn gun you blue-assed bitch!

                                         -- Farscape 2.9: Out of Their Minds
%
John [in Aeryn]: Oh, come on, man! I'm... They're here. They're right
here. They've been here for a couple of arns, and I just had to...

Aeryn [in Rygel]: You are mentally damaged.

John [in Aeryn]: I'm a guy. A guy. Guys dream about this sort of thing.

Aeryn [in Rygel]: I'll tell you one thing Crichton, if I find you've
been dreaming anything else to my body I'll break your legs, even if
they are mine.

                                         -- Farscape 2.9: Out of Their Minds
%
Rygel [in John]: [about peeing] Could you show me how to do this?

John [in Aeryn]: Oh my god... unzip.

Rygel [in John]: Right!

John [in Aeryn]: Pull it out. Point it like a gun. And shoot.

Rygel [in John]: Aimed the right way?

John [in Aeryn]: Yes, that's fine.

                                         -- Farscape 2.9: Out of Their Minds
%
[Tak vomits violently]

Rygel [in John]: Go on. Go on. Let it all out.

Tak: Excuse.

Rygel [in John]: No, no, that's all right, we do that sort of thing all
the time here on Moya. I just peed in the maintenance bay.

                                         -- Farscape 2.9: Out of Their Minds
%
Aeryn [in John]: She wants me?

John [in Rygel]: Yeah. Zhaan wants to hear it from you. She won't listen
to Rygel.

Rygel [in Aeryn]: I told you! You all say I'm paranoid, but it's true:
no one ever frelling listens to me!

John [in Rygel]: Can it, furball.

Rygel [in Aeryn]: Great! Now I'm getting yotz from my own body!

                                         -- Farscape 2.9: Out of Their Minds
%
Rygel: Listen to this. Double the Crichton and you double the waste of
time.

                                        -- Farscape 2.10: My Three Crichtons
%
Rygel: By the yotz! Run, fight, surrender -- pick one.

            -- Farscape 2.11: Look at the Princess (1): A Kiss Is But a Kiss
%
Aeryn: That's great. It's a whole world designed for your rutting
instincts.

            -- Farscape 2.11: Look at the Princess (1): A Kiss Is But a Kiss
%
Crichton: On my planet we don't marry people we don't love unless
they're critically ill billionaires.

            -- Farscape 2.11: Look at the Princess (1): A Kiss Is But a Kiss
%
Crichton: Better wed than dead.

            -- Farscape 2.11: Look at the Princess (1): A Kiss Is But a Kiss
%
[Aeryn runs into Scarran representative Cargn in a hall.]

Cargn: I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Aeryn: Yes, I've heard that about Scarrans.

            -- Farscape 2.11: Look at the Princess (1): A Kiss Is But a Kiss
%
Crichton: Eighty cycles. My college loans will be delinquent. I'll miss
the strippers on my hundredth birthday. I'll get a utility bill for
three trillion dollars for a single porch light that I left on and
everybody I know will be dead.

            -- Farscape 2.11: Look at the Princess (1): A Kiss Is But a Kiss
%
Crichton: That's OK, it's just a burden always being right.

                   -- Farscape 2.12: Look at the Princess (2): I Do, I Think
%
D'Argo: Security is so tight that last night they burst into my room
just as Chiana was... ah, screaming.

                   -- Farscape 2.12: Look at the Princess (2): I Do, I Think
%
D'Argo: The bad news is that you are married and you must endure as a
statue for eighty cycles in a strange world.

Crichton: What's the good news?

D'Argo: Chiana and I are having fantastic sex.

                   -- Farscape 2.12: Look at the Princess (2): I Do, I Think
%
Crichton: Rock, me, hard place.

                   -- Farscape 2.12: Look at the Princess (2): I Do, I Think
%
Aeryn: Now, don't feel bad. It's not you; it's me. I don't like you.

                   -- Farscape 2.12: Look at the Princess (2): I Do, I Think
%
D'Argo: [to statue John] Do you feel any pain?

Crichton: No, but I'd really like to pick my nose.

            -- Farscape 2.13: Look at the Princess (3): The Maltese Crichton
%
Crichton: How Batman was that!

            -- Farscape 2.13: Look at the Princess (3): The Maltese Crichton
%
Crichton: Well there you go. Good guys win for once. And I have a child
that I'll never know.

            -- Farscape 2.13: Look at the Princess (3): The Maltese Crichton
%
Zhaan: D'Argo and Chiana are busy, Rygel.

Rygel: What, they ran out of places to defile up here, so they had to do
it in a transport pod?

                                             -- Farscape 2.14: Beware of Dog
%
Chiana: Our parasite problems are solved.

Aeryn: Rygel's decided to leave us then, has he?

                                             -- Farscape 2.14: Beware of Dog
%
Chiana [holding Vorc]: When you see what this little fella can do...

[Vorc pisses on D'Argo]

D'Argo: Ahhh!

[Vorc runs away]

Chiana: Come back here!

Aeryn: Yep, that's impressive.

                                             -- Farscape 2.14: Beware of Dog
%
Chrichton: I hate critters!

                                             -- Farscape 2.14: Beware of Dog
%
Crichton: Oh no, no, no, no I don't boogie.

                                    -- Farscape 2.15: Won't Get Fooled Again
%
Crichton: Come out, come out wherever you are and see the young man that
fell from the star.

                                    -- Farscape 2.15: Won't Get Fooled Again
%
Crais: FREEZE! You're under arrest! You have the right to the remains of a
silent attorney! If you cannot afford one... tough noogies! You can make
ONE phone call! I recommend Trixie: 976-Triple 5-LOVE. Do you understand
these rights as I have explained them to you?! Well do ya, PUNK?

Crichton: No...

Crais: Well... then I can't arrest you!

                                    -- Farscape 2.15: Won't Get Fooled Again
%
D'Argo: My friend, one thing you have to learn. There is always time for
beer.

                                    -- Farscape 2.15: Won't Get Fooled Again
%
Crais: I like your style hombre, but this is no laughing matter. Assault
on a police officer. Theft of police property. Illegal possession of a
firearm. FIVE counts of attempted murder. That comes to... 29 dollars
and 40 cents. Cash, cheque or credit card?

                                    -- Farscape 2.15: Won't Get Fooled Again
%
Zhaan: I'm Doctor Kaminsky.

Crichton: Uh-huh. And, uh, you're a psychiatrist?

Zhaan: Mm-hmm.

Crichton: I don't think so. On Earth, psychiatrists don't come in blue.

Zhaan: Do you have a problem with people of colour?

Crichton: I have a contextual problem. You're an alien.

Zhaan: Yes, that's true. But I do have a Green Card.

Crichton: Interesting. Are you or are you not blue?

Zhaan: Would it matter to you if I was?

Crichton: Do you always answer a question with a question?

Zhaan: Does that bother you?

                                    -- Farscape 2.15: Won't Get Fooled Again
%
Aeryn: I'm a doctor. Just Relax.

Zhaan: I can wear a Freudian slip.

Aeryn: I find new places to take your temperature.

Chiana: I can teach you left-handed Latvian rodeo torture.

                                    -- Farscape 2.15: Won't Get Fooled Again
%
Rygel: This is for calling me Sparky. And this is for Fluffy. And this
is for Buckwheat, whatever that means.

                                    -- Farscape 2.15: Won't Get Fooled Again
%
Jack Crichton: You're the one who wanted a child. I wanted a terrier!

Leslie Crichton: Oh, you couldn't give me what I really wanted.

Jack: Oh, so we get this loser! He can't fetch a ball, he can't get my
slippers, he can't even land a damn module in one piece!

                                    -- Farscape 2.15: Won't Get Fooled Again
%
Crichton: Aeryn, you are the one thing which has kept me from doing a
kamikaze in the transport.

                                                -- Farscape 2.16: The Locket
%
Rygel: You're worse than me, I like that.

                                                -- Farscape 2.16: The Locket
%
Crichton: That's a long way down. Either that or they have deep shag
carpets.

                                            -- Farscape 2.17: The Ugly Truth
%
Crichton: Since I got here I've seen a lot of impossible things.

                                            -- Farscape 2.17: The Ugly Truth
%
Crichton: There's just nothing new in the universe is there? It's the
same everywhere, good cop, bad cop.

                                            -- Farscape 2.17: The Ugly Truth
%
Aeryn: D'Argo is thinking with his mivonks again.

                                            -- Farscape 2.17: The Ugly Truth
%
Crichton: It's going to be more real than real. It's going to be super
3-D smell-o-vision in Sensurround.

                                        -- Farscape 2.18: A Clockwork Nebari
%
Chiana: Something's not right. Aeryn doesn't even shower without a pulse
pistol.

                                        -- Farscape 2.18: A Clockwork Nebari
%
Rygel: I'm nobody's puppet!

                                        -- Farscape 2.18: A Clockwork Nebari
%
Crichton: (to Rygel) You aren't into self-preservation. You are the KING
of it!

                                        -- Farscape 2.18: A Clockwork Nebari
%
D'Argo: John, all the things I've done as a warrior, all the horrible
thoughts I've had all the cycles of my life, even about you, I am so
sorry.

                                        -- Farscape 2.18: A Clockwork Nebari
%
Crichton: John Crichton, Astronaut, master of the universe.

                                        -- Farscape 2.18: A Clockwork Nebari
%
Crichton: Bitchin' man.

Rygel: Bitchin'.

                                        -- Farscape 2.18: A Clockwork Nebari
%
Crichton: This will work, trust me. We just have to find a place to get
our clothes off.

           -- Farscape 2.19: Liars, Guns and Money (1): A Not So Simple Plan
%
Crichton: You ever hear of KFC?

Akkor: KFC?

Crichton: It is, to my knowledge, unique in the universe, and unique is
always valuable. Now, we have managed to procure all eleven secret
ingredients.

           -- Farscape 2.19: Liars, Guns and Money (1): A Not So Simple Plan
%
Scorpius: Insert it! Insert it! Insert it! Insert the rod, John!

Crichton: You're really not my type!

           -- Farscape 2.19: Liars, Guns and Money (1): A Not So Simple Plan
%
Rygel: Ten percent of this plan is lunacy, fifty percent of these riches
is not enough, one hundred percent of dead is dead.

           -- Farscape 2.19: Liars, Guns and Money (1): A Not So Simple Plan
%
Rygel: Every time I think that there's more to you than a pair of
pushed-up loomas in a corset, you disappoint me

     -- Farscape 2.20: Liars, Guns and Money (2): With Friends Like These...
%
Crichton: He's here and... um, he blames me. He blames me for killing
Scorpius. So I've been... I've been trying... trying to... uh...

D'Argo: Trying to what, John?!

Chrichton: D'Argo... kill me. D'Argo, please... kill me.

                         -- Farscape 2.21: Liars, Guns and Money (3): Plan B
%
Crichton: You're going to take my memories and I'm going to talk
gibberish? Why don't you just take my mojo while you're at it?

                                         -- Farscape 2.22: Die Me, Dichotomy
%
Crichton: Aeryn, did I say or do anything to piss you off? I mean other
than caving in the side of your head?

                                         -- Farscape 2.22: Die Me, Dichotomy
%
D'Argo: I can' feel ma tongue.

Stark: Whose faul' izzat?

D'Argo: Oh, fwell you.

                                         -- Farscape 2.22: Die Me, Dichotomy
%
Pilot: I am no higher or lower than I've ever been. My position is
fixed.

                                         -- Farscape 2.22: Die Me, Dichotomy
%
D'Argo: Aeryn died so you could live John. She would want you to keep
fighting.

                                            -- Farscape 3.1: Season of Death
%
D'Argo: Do not. Make me tongue you.

                                            -- Farscape 3.1: Season of Death
%
Crichton: Whoa, where do they get these stories? Let's set the facts
straight. First off there was no raping, very little pillaging and Frau
Blucher popped all the eyeballs.

                                            -- Farscape 3.2: Suns and Lovers
%
Crichton: Yeah, yeah, yeah, nothing like a bomb to sober me up, I'm
fine.

                                            -- Farscape 3.2: Suns and Lovers
%
Rygel: Repent? We have less than an arn. I was a Dominar. It'd take me
longer than that to repent.

                                            -- Farscape 3.2: Suns and Lovers
%
D'Argo: "Yeah we need you D'Argo, we need you. Oh, and by the way would
you mind putting your hands up against the wall and spreading your legs
so I can kick you up the mivonks." You have got to be one dumb trasnik.

                                            -- Farscape 3.2: Suns and Lovers
%
Rygel: Doesn't simply shooting them dead strike you as viable?

      -- Farscape 3.3: Self Inflicted Wounds (1): Could'a, Would'a, Should'a
%
Rygel: What friends? We were thrown together against our will and we're
all just trying to make the best of it until we can get the chance to
screw the others to get what we want.

      -- Farscape 3.3: Self Inflicted Wounds (1): Could'a, Would'a, Should'a
%
Aeryn: Do you understand any of those words?

Crichton: Yeah, I watched all kinds of Star Trek. It's just the order
that they're in.

      -- Farscape 3.3: Self Inflicted Wounds (1): Could'a, Would'a, Should'a
%
Crichton: If he masters wormhole technology, what do you think he'll use
it for?

Harvey: Faster delivery of pizzas.

      -- Farscape 3.3: Self Inflicted Wounds (1): Could'a, Would'a, Should'a
%
Crichton: Welcome to the Federation Starship SS Buttcrack!

               -- Farscape 3.4: Self Inflicted Wounds(2): Wait for the Wheel
%
Zhaan: You are a very ungrateful and selfish woman. Please remain silent
from now on.

               -- Farscape 3.4: Self Inflicted Wounds(2): Wait for the Wheel
%
Zhaan: Now I know I shall meet my goddess and be accepted to her bosom.
Sensitive D'Argo, exuberant Chiana, wise Rygel, selfless Aeryn, innocent
Crichton. My children, my teachers, my loves, there is no guilt, there
is no blame, only what is meant to be. Grow through your mistakes and
know that if patient, redemption will find you.

               -- Farscape 3.4: Self Inflicted Wounds(2): Wait for the Wheel
%
Harvey: Why is it always the gentle ones who pay the price for everyone
else's ambition? Hmm?

               -- Farscape 3.4: Self Inflicted Wounds(2): Wait for the Wheel
%
D'Argo: Ladies, some decorum please. This is a peace memorial; let's not
kill each other.

                                  -- Farscape 3.5: ...Different Destinations
%
Jool: You made me drink piss?

                                  -- Farscape 3.5: ...Different Destinations
%
Crichton: Burnt, battered, busted, ding-dong the pod is dead.

                                                     -- Farscape 3.6: Eat Me
%
Aeryn: If you try anything when I am gone whatever you have in the place
of mivonks and wherever they are, they will be gone when I get back.

                                                     -- Farscape 3.6: Eat Me
%
D'Argo: Stay back... Stay back or I swear I will kill you.

Kaarvoc: I don't think that's very polite.

                                                     -- Farscape 3.6: Eat Me
%
Kaarvoc: This is my home. All I need is more... what... food? Family? Is
there a difference?

                                                     -- Farscape 3.6: Eat Me
%
Crichton: Cross my heart, smack me dead, stick a lobster on my head!

                                         -- Farscape 3.7: Thanks for Sharing
%
Crichton: You been lyin' to your daddy boy, and you know you shouldn't
lie to your daddy! It's gonna stop! Now, who's your daddy? C'mon, you
know who your daddy is. Who's your daddy? D'Argo, tell him who his daddy
is.

D'Argo: I'm your daddy.

Crichton: That's right.

                                         -- Farscape 3.7: Thanks for Sharing
%
Crichton: Crais, I want you to find the fattest target you can.
Government house, missile site, McDonalds, whatever.

                                         -- Farscape 3.7: Thanks for Sharing
%
Jool: There, I woke him up; now I hope he drops dead.

                                         -- Farscape 3.7: Thanks for Sharing
%
Chiana: I say we just go get the guns and go steal the stuff.

                                         -- Farscape 3.7: Thanks for Sharing
%
D'Argo: Well at least now he's out of your nose.

Crichton: Hair.

D'Argo: Yes, that's what I meant, at least now he's out of your nose
hair.

                                         -- Farscape 3.7: Thanks for Sharing
%
Crichton: [sarcastically introducing himself] John Crichton, Wizard of
Oz.

                                         -- Farscape 3.7: Thanks for Sharing
%
Crichton: Man, you guys should see this ugly sticky flesh. Kinda like my
Aunt Ruth's special Jello.

                                         -- Farscape 3.8: Green Eyed Monster
%
Rygel: Oh wonderful, they're alive. Now you can torture them with your
inane dribblings.

                                         -- Farscape 3.8: Green Eyed Monster
%
Aeryn: Talyn, you've seen them both naked, perhaps you can tell us who's
bigger.

                                         -- Farscape 3.8: Green Eyed Monster
%
Chiana: What if I have to piss?

D'Argo: Well then, we will all urinate together.

                                                -- Farscape 3.9: Losing Time
%
Crichton: [to a DRD] All right, we don't understand the R2-D2 crap.

We're gonna use the Star Trek system: one blink for yes, two blinks for
no.

                                                -- Farscape 3.9: Losing Time
%
Crichton: I'm a guy, I'll probably be back in fifteen minutes.

                                                -- Farscape 3.9: Losing Time
%
Jool: I feel like I had a spiritual enema.

                                                -- Farscape 3.9: Losing Time
%
Jool: Shoot him, you're the warrior, just shoot him now!

D'Argo: With what? My nose?

                                                -- Farscape 3.9: Losing Time
%
Rygel: Of course it's a foe. We have no friends.

                                                -- Farscape 3.10: Relativity
%
Rygel: I may be small but allow me to remind you that only serves to put
me at castration level.

                                                -- Farscape 3.10: Relativity
%
Stark: Oh, you really do have three stomachs... and the smallest little
heart I've ever seen.

                                                -- Farscape 3.10: Relativity
%
Chrichton [as neural clone]: All right, Scorp, then what am I? A bootleg, a
ghost? Holodeck Chrichton? A wandering soul that ain't got no body?

                                                 -- Farscape 3.11: Incubator
%
Linfer: Scorpius's obsession with wormholes is making him irrational.

Pilot [looks at Chrichton]: Scorpius is not alone in that regard.

                                                 -- Farscape 3.11: Incubator
%
Crichton: God-like aliens. Boy, do I hate god-like aliens. I'll take a
critter over a god-like alien any time...

                                                  -- Farscape 3.12: Meltdown
%
Crichton: Is there some kind of stupid alien quotation book you guys
use?

                                                  -- Farscape 3.12: Meltdown
%
D'Argo: I am a full-blooded Luxan, and ladies, I have so much cash in my
pocket that I can assure you that the three of us will crawl out of here
on our hands and knees come sunrise tomorrow morning. I've been arrested
for saying exactly the same thing on four different planets.

                                          -- Farscape 3.13: Scratch 'n Sniff
%
D'Argo: Girls, breasts, blue breasts, green breasts, I don't know. All I
know is they spiked our drinks and took our money.

                                          -- Farscape 3.13: Scratch 'n Sniff
%
Crichton: Harvey, kiss my medulla oblongata.

              -- Farscape 3.14: Infinite Possibilities (1): Daedalus Demands
%
Jack: My name is [undecipherable string of syllables in an alien
language]. You can call me Jack.

              -- Farscape 3.14: Infinite Possibilities (1): Daedalus Demands
%
Rygel: Perfect. The half-blind leading the blind.

              -- Farscape 3.14: Infinite Possibilities (1): Daedalus Demands
%
Crichton: I mean... how far are you gonna take this? Is this the end, or
are you gonna try and put all the toothpaste back in the tube?

Jack: I doubt that's possible.

Crichton: But you're gonna give it the old college try, aren't you?
You're gonna kill... me, Furlow, and Aeryn.

                 -- Farscape 3.15: Infinite Possibilities (2): Icarus Abides
%
Crichton: Furlow, is it always about the money?

Furlow: Is there anything else? I mean... how much sex can you have?

Crichton: I don't know... I haven't maxed out yet.

                 -- Farscape 3.15: Infinite Possibilities (2): Icarus Abides
%
Furlow: Don't be the hero, John. Always be the one to walk away while
the hero dies. That's my motto.

                 -- Farscape 3.15: Infinite Possibilities (2): Icarus Abides
%
Stark: [seeing the wormhole weapon destroy the Scarran dreadnought] ...I
have no prayer for that...

                 -- Farscape 3.15: Infinite Possibilities (2): Icarus Abides
%
Crichton: God, I love science fiction.

                                           -- Farscape 3.16: Revenging Angel
%
Crichton: I got plenty of reasons.

Harvey: Then give me the Letterman list.

Crichton: Earth, dad, pizza, sex, cold beer, fast cars, sex, Aeryn,
love.

                                           -- Farscape 3.16: Revenging Angel
%
Pilot: I don't get out much, so I read.

                                           -- Farscape 3.16: Revenging Angel
%
Crichton: Well, this little spaceman is going home. Lock up the women
and hide the fried chicken!

                                           -- Farscape 3.16: Revenging Angel
%
[Inside Crichton's mind, at his grave; his gravestone is engraved with
"R.I.P. / Here lies / John Crichton / Human / Astronut / Natural born
loser"]

Scorpius/Harvey: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to pay our
final respects, and to say farewell to our dear friend, Commander John
Crichton... A schmuck. Muleheaded, reckless, and probably braindead
before I met him. Alas, his death... is mine also.

                                           -- Farscape 3.16: Revenging Angel
%
[Inside Crichton's mind]

Crichton: Even Kirk wouldn't stoop that low.

Scorpius/Harvey: That was a television show, John. And, he made
Priceline commercials.

                                           -- Farscape 3.16: Revenging Angel
%
Stark: It's filled with mystics and criminals!

Rygel: Then it's just like here: you're a mystic, and we're criminals!

                                                -- Farscape 3.17: The Choice
%
Stark: If you've got a deity you had better make your peace with it now,
because I'm going to lead you to the other side real quick.

                                                -- Farscape 3.17: The Choice
%
Aeryn: Was it easy to be a hero? Leave me behind?

Crichton: You never think... you're gonna die. I didn't know.

                                                -- Farscape 3.17: The Choice
%
Xhalax Sun: I've heard... loved ones leave you in pieces... that little
by little you start to forget things about them, but that's not true.
You lose them...everything, instantly, and suddenly nothing can replace
them. Nothing.

                                                -- Farscape 3.17: The Choice
%
Rygel: You were... faking?!

                                                 -- Farscape 3.18: Fractures
%
Crichton: So that's what I'm doing. You don't have to come along. You
don't have to like it. I just want you to know.

Pilot: Moya and I are against this idea in totality. I'm sure Captain
Crais is aware that Talyn resists also.

Chiana: You don't know how far Scorpius is in his wormhole research. You
don't know where he keeps it. You don't know anything. How are you going
to stop him?

                                                 -- Farscape 3.18: Fractures
%
Crichton: Guys, I don't see another option. Scorpius has the knowledge
from my brain and I'm not going to let him shaft the universe with it.

[Aeryn rises, walks over and stands beside Crichton, followed a few
moments later by Crais]

Chiana: You're all gonna die.

Crichton: Do you see that one, Pip, or are you just guessing? We choose
our own path. This one is mine. I'm going to the Command Carrier. I'm
going to stop Scorpius.

                                                 -- Farscape 3.18: Fractures
%
Crais: Talyn is in shock. He has expressed absolute remorse for his mistake.

Jool: Six hundred dead? That's a little more than a mistake, Crais.

                                      -- Farscape 3.19: I-Yensch, You-Yensch
%
Rygel: Sorry I had to shoot you, but you know how it goes.

Scorpius: How did you know I was wearing body armor?

Rygel: I wasn't sure, but 131 cycles in Peacekeeper captivity teaches you
a few things.

Scorpius: What if you were wrong?

Rygel: Not so bad for me either way.

                                      -- Farscape 3.19: I-Yensch, You-Yensch
%
Crichton: I do not sit at the kiddie table. Now you either give me the
big toys or you send me home.

           -- Farscape 3.20: Into the Lion's Den (1): Lambs to the Slaughter
%
Crichton: Damn, I gotta stop pointing guns at people.

           -- Farscape 3.20: Into the Lion's Den (1): Lambs to the Slaughter
%
Crichton: I'm here, on a big stinkin' command carrier--Dick Tracy's
freakin' neural bracelet linking me to Bram Stoker's nightmare. What
more do you want from me?

           -- Farscape 3.20: Into the Lion's Den (1): Lambs to the Slaughter
%
Crichton: Flying through wormholes ain't like dusting crops, farm boy.
It takes a little finesse.

         -- Farscape 3.21: Into the Lion's Den (2): Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
%
Rygel: Don't think I'm going to miss you, any of you. I'm not. Well,
maybe a little bit.

         -- Farscape 3.21: Into the Lion's Den (2): Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
%
[from a deleted scene where Aeryn and Crais say goodbye to each other]

Crais: All the times that I have endangered your life. All the times
that I have lied to you. Hurt you. Starting from the moment I declared
you irreversibly contaminated.

Aeryn: Listen to me. That was the beginning of my life.

         -- Farscape 3.21: Into the Lion's Den (2): Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
%
D'Argo: Revenge is a feast best served immediately.

                                        -- Farscape 3.22: Dog with Two Bones
%
Rygel: Respect, my shiny, tiny hiney.

                                        -- Farscape 3.22: Dog with Two Bones
%
Crichton: What does that taste like?

Aeryn: Yesterday.

Crichton: Oh, well, nobody can compete with that. I am so much better
dead.

                                        -- Farscape 3.22: Dog with Two Bones
%
Crichton: I've almost cracked "Wormholes for Dummies".

                                             -- Farscape 4.1: Crichton Kicks
%
Crichton: [To Sikozu] So you Jacques Cousteau your way up stream to
where they die.

                                             -- Farscape 4.1: Crichton Kicks
%
Crichton: [To the Grudeks] NOH! PAV'HOR! HERRUCH'T! [To Sikozu] You
didn't get that one did you... 'cause it's Klingon! A show of force is
the only thing that Klingons understand.

                                             -- Farscape 4.1: Crichton Kicks
%
Crichton: We're going to be really, really quiet so the Pirates of the
Caribbean don't hear us, okay?

                                             -- Farscape 4.1: Crichton Kicks
%
Sikozu: If you are sober or sane enough to understand, I suggest you aim
that behind you. The creatures following me execute on sight. Now, what
are you going to do for me?

                                             -- Farscape 4.1: Crichton Kicks
%
John: [explaining his situation to Sikozu] Okay! Once upon a time I was
happy here. A little on the lonely side - but that's okay 'cos at least
Wynona only had to start cooking fires - you know - fire? Whoosh! Fire.
Module's outta fuel so it's not goin' anywhere. So, I'm workin' like a
mofo. And everything is fiiiiinally comin' together on these crates here
- 'til you - SMASHED THROUGH - PISSING ME OFF - just - a little bit. So
the only thing that I still had goin' for me - you just destroyed, lady!
YEAH!

                                             -- Farscape 4.1: Crichton Kicks
%
Sikozu: They know we're here.

John: Oh, nothing gets by you, does it?

                                             -- Farscape 4.1: Crichton Kicks
%
[After the Grudeks fire at them]

Sikozu: [whispering] Make them think you are dead!

John: Okay, Sputnik. [walks out to the catwalk and fires back] YOU
MISSED!!

                                             -- Farscape 4.1: Crichton Kicks
%
John: [flaunting his rear end to the hound] You want some o' this? Yeah!
Grade-A prime American beef!

                                             -- Farscape 4.1: Crichton Kicks
%
John: [about the baby] Maybe it's not mine at all.

Dream Aeryn: You just won't let that rest, will you?

John: Nah, maybe it's got a little pony tail and a teeny tiny goatee.

Dream Aeryn: Maybe.

John: Maybe there's half a metal face on it.

Dream Aeryn: Maybe.

John: Maybe it's a royal pain in the ass, eats all the time and farts a
lot.

Dream Aeryn: Then we'll know it's yours.

                                             -- Farscape 4.1: Crichton Kicks
%
Rygel: Wormholes, Aeryn, Earth, Aeryn, Scorpius, Aeryn. I'm out of
fingers. Want me to keep counting on hers? [holds up Sikozu's severed
hand]

                                             -- Farscape 4.1: Crichton Kicks
%
Old Woman: Ask Vella, if all the priests died here, why are there no
bones? Why are there no bones?

                               -- Farscape 4.2: What Was Lost (1): Sacrifice
%
Grayza: Remember me?

John: Oh yeah, I remember a couple of things.

                               -- Farscape 4.2: What Was Lost (1): Sacrifice
%
Old Woman: Crichton! (Moves to hug him)

John: Oh! Ah - damn! You need a bath!

Old Woman: Never bathe, never bathe - It washes off the juice.

                               -- Farscape 4.2: What Was Lost (1): Sacrifice
%
Vella (to Jool): Intellectually - Luxans are a subspecies. He will make
mistakes. You will be blamed for them.

                               -- Farscape 4.2: What Was Lost (1): Sacrifice
%
D'Argo: Well, to use one of your expressions, you're going to have to
take one for the team.

Crichton: Technically, I've already taken two.

                            -- Farscape 4.3: What Was Lost (2): Resurrection
%
Braca: Hello Crichton.

John: Hiya Braca. Let me ask you a question. You're a man of the world,
right? Does my ass look big in these pants?

                            -- Farscape 4.3: What Was Lost (2): Resurrection
%
Old Woman: Crichton - we're all gonna die, but he can live down there
until the magnetic summer ends.

John: And-?

Old Woman: And... (Pulls a pulse pistol out and tosses it out of his
reach over the cliff.)

John (Annoyed): Was that Winona?

Old Woman: Yes

John: I really don't wanna know where you hid her.

                            -- Farscape 4.3: What Was Lost (2): Resurrection
%
Rygel: Great. We're hunted by Peacekeepers, towing a dead module, lost
in the Uncharted Territories with no purpose in life. How good does it
get?

                            -- Farscape 4.3: What Was Lost (2): Resurrection
%
Jool: You may not have been Vella's intellectual equal...

D'Argo: Well I am now. She's a rock.

                            -- Farscape 4.3: What Was Lost (2): Resurrection
%
Jool (To D'Argo): You have more courage... integrity and honesty than a
dozen Vellas. And I should have said that to her.

                            -- Farscape 4.3: What Was Lost (2): Resurrection
%
Crichton: How come everything tastes like chicken?

                             -- Farscape 4.4: Lava's a Many Splendored Thing
%
Crichton: You burn your old people?

D'Argo: No, it just sounded like a good idea.

                             -- Farscape 4.4: Lava's a Many Splendored Thing
%
D'Argo: Okay, okay, I'm with you. I just have one small, little
question... Who is Lou Costello?

                             -- Farscape 4.4: Lava's a Many Splendored Thing
%
Crichton: This is unbelievable. Can't cook, won't bathe, and now she's
narcoleptic? She's a triple threat.

                             -- Farscape 4.4: Lava's a Many Splendored Thing
%
Crichton: Damn! This has got to be bad for the sperm count.

                             -- Farscape 4.4: Lava's a Many Splendored Thing
%
Crichton: Can I get a "Hell, yeah!"?

                             -- Farscape 4.4: Lava's a Many Splendored Thing
%
Crichton: Asylum? What is it with Peacekeepers. First they hunt us, then
they want to move in. Are we a bed and breakfast. Do we have a sign
outside that says "Free HBO?"

                                                   -- Farscape 4.5: Promises
%
Crichton: You're coming with me. We may need a nerd.

                                                   -- Farscape 4.5: Promises
%
D'Argo: See plant, kill plant

Crichton: That's got to be on the Luxan coat of arms.

                                           -- Farscape 4.6: Natural Election
%
Rygel: If this goes bad, please die first so my last moment can be
joyous.

                                           -- Farscape 4.6: Natural Election
%
Crichton: Aeryn... I figure a relationship... the kind we're not
having... is based on trust.

Aeryn: I'm so sorry.

Crichton: Yah. Me too. Cause you don't trust me. So, I don't know how to
trust you.

Aeryn: I think I've earned your trust.

Crichton: I would put my life... in your hands... but not my heart.

                                           -- Farscape 4.6: Natural Election
%
Rygel: You're a pimped-out, arrogant fleshie who wants to use my road
where NONE SHALL PASS.

                                               -- Farscape 4.7: John Quixote
%
Noranti: You carry a weapon.

Crichton: Second amendment.

                                               -- Farscape 4.7: John Quixote
%
Crichton: Pilot, I got a ton of groceries to unload.

                                    -- Farscape 4.8: I Shrink Therefore I Am
%
Crichton: I'm going wabbit hunting.

                                    -- Farscape 4.8: I Shrink Therefore I Am
%
Scorpius: You can't take them all at once.

Crichton: How dumb do you think I am? I'll take 'em down one by one the
Die Hard way.

                                    -- Farscape 4.8: I Shrink Therefore I Am
%
Crichton: This is John Crichton paging the head Cylon. Pick up the
phone, Imperious Leader.

                                    -- Farscape 4.8: I Shrink Therefore I Am
%
Crichton: Como estas, la cucaracha?

                                    -- Farscape 4.8: I Shrink Therefore I Am
%
Crichton: So, we've gone from Die Hard to Honey, I Shrunk the Hostages.

                                    -- Farscape 4.8: I Shrink Therefore I Am
%
Crichton: How are my little inaction figures?

                                    -- Farscape 4.8: I Shrink Therefore I Am
%
Crichton: [Crichton puts on glove/hand of the alien he just killed] Oh,
God it's still warm.

                                    -- Farscape 4.8: I Shrink Therefore I Am
%
Aeryn: I'm getting a really bad bribe.

Crichton: (to himself) Oh god, she's talking English. (to Aeryn) "Vibe."

                                           -- Farscape 4.9: A Prefect Murder
%
Aeryn: I'm not sure... I have the strength to miss next time.

Crichton: I think... I'm just a bad shot.

                                           -- Farscape 4.9: A Prefect Murder
%
[Crichton, dressed in women's clothing, stands on a table]

Crichton: Excuse me ladies, can I have your attention. Do any of you
have one of these under your skirt?

[Crichton pulls two pulse pistols from hip holsters and begins shooting]

Crichton: Yeah, girl power!

                                              -- Farscape 4.10: Coup by Clam
%
Rygel: Defying all logic, Crichton may actually figure out how to get us
away from the Peacekeepers forever.

Pilot: Without disrespect, he oftentimes leaps to conclusions prior to
leading us into--

Rygel: Not here, Pilot! Trust me, I wouldn't have risen to Dominar if I
wasn't good at recognizing things before they happen!

Pilot: You were deposed in a coup led by your own cousin.

                                        -- Farscape 4.11: Unrealized Reality
%
[scene begins as a close-up on Crichton's face]

Crichton: Oh no, this is that dream where I wake up in a cell, naked.

[camera moves back to show Crichton, on his back on the floor, in a
t-shirt]

Crichton: [sighs] Thank heaven for simple mercies.

                                        -- Farscape 4.11: Unrealized Reality
%
Crichton: What propulsion, the smoke you're blowing up my ass?

                                        -- Farscape 4.11: Unrealized Reality
%
Crichton: I am not Kirk, Spock, Luke, Buck, Flash, or Arthur frelling
Dent. I am Dorothy Gale from Kansas.

                                        -- Farscape 4.11: Unrealized Reality
%
Aeryn: D'Argo, you should study this. [sings along with the television]
"L, m, n, o, p." Just a few of their words. Just in case.

D'Argo: Chiana has already told me a few words. 'Yes', 'no', 'bite me',
that's all I need to know.

                                                    -- Farscape 4.12: Kansas
%
Crichton: Somebody got a sugar high. You been stealing candy, Mr.
Burrels?

Rygel: Crichton, how illegal is this dren? You have to get me more. I
don't care what it costs!

                                                    -- Farscape 4.12: Kansas
%
Aeryn: A cat?

Crichton: Yeah, it's a pet.

Aeryn: Does he talk?

                                               -- Farscape 4.13: Terra Firma
%
Aeryn: Well. Merry Frelling Christmas.

Crichton: Amen.

                                               -- Farscape 4.13: Terra Firma
%
D'Argo: This is a bad idea.

Chrichton: Nine times out of ten.

                                                 -- Farscape 4.14: Twice Shy
%
Chrichton: Aeryn, I'm fine. We're gonna be fine.

Aeryn: No, we're not.

Chrichton: Aeryn, do not walk away. Much as I love it when you walk
away. Aeryn!

[Aeryn walks away]

Chrichton: [to himself] We're gonna be fine. She likes me.

                                                 -- Farscape 4.14: Twice Shy
%
Taliika: What is sexy?

Chiana: Oh, a girl as beautiful as you shouldn't... shouldn't have to
ask that. Sex, is, umm... Sexy.

Taliika: You like sexy?

Chiana: Yeah. It's my, uh, it's my favorite color.

                                                 -- Farscape 4.14: Twice Shy
%
Taliika: You like men for sex?

Chiana: They're good for other things. But they're great for sex.

Taliika: Just men?

[They begin to kiss]

                                                 -- Farscape 4.14: Twice Shy
%
Chrichton: Yeah, that's me. The dumbass. I help someone and they screw me.

Taliika: I have no remorse. You are food, and I eat.

Chrichton: There's always an excuse, lady.

                                                 -- Farscape 4.14: Twice Shy
%
D'Argo: He's locked in a prison composed from his own nightmares.
Killing him would have been a mercy. I'm not that enlightened.

                                        -- Farscape 4.15: Mental as Anything
%
Crichton: Where's Aeryn, Aeryn?

                                  -- Farscape 4.16: Bringing Home the Beacon
%
Sikozu: As stupid as you must think them, the Scarrans have managed to
build one of the most extensive empires in the Galaxy in part - and I
shall repeat this because it does not seem to sink in - by not
advertising the location of their secret bases.

                                  -- Farscape 4.17: A Constellation of Doubt
%
Sheriff: They were here. All of them. Ears. Tentacles. Cher.

                                  -- Farscape 4.17: A Constellation of Doubt
%
Crichton: You're lying. You're not telling me you know where Katratzi is.

Sikozu: I have had enough of you.

Crichton: You have been nothing but lying from the moment you got on
board this ship.

Sikozu: I do not know!

Crichton: And I won't let Aeryn die. Katratzi!

Sikozu: It is not my provenance if she lives or dies.

Crichton: Katratzi!

Sikozu: It is not my fault if she lives or dies.

Crichton: Katratzi!

Sikozu: It is not my will if she lives or dies. Crichton, listen to
yourself! Everything lives and everything dies, whether you wish it to
or not, and you have to deal with it.

                                  -- Farscape 4.17: A Constellation of Doubt
%
Bobby: Whatcha doing?

Noranti: Making rat poison.

Bobby: Are you gonna kill a few?

Noranti: On the contrary, the rats asked me to make this so they could
kill some humans.

                                  -- Farscape 4.17: A Constellation of Doubt
%
Bobby: Are you in some kind of cult, like a witch or something?

Noranti: Not at the moment.

                                  -- Farscape 4.17: A Constellation of Doubt
%
Bobby: Do religions hate each other where you come from?

Noranti: Oh, good heavens no. Religions are grand lofty ideals.
Religious followers, now that's another story.

Bobby: Wars?

Noranti: Unspeakable.

Bobby: So we're not so different?

Noranti: That's nothing to be proud of.

                                  -- Farscape 4.17: A Constellation of Doubt
%
Crichton: I don't care 'bout much. War. Death. Wormholes. I don't care
about the things you care about. Peacekeepers rule the Scarrans.
Scarrans rule the Peacekeepers. Put them together, put your ass in a
cage. I care about one thing. One. God have mercy on my soul. I think
I'm gonna need your help, mister Scarran half-breed, to get Aeryn back.

                                  -- Farscape 4.17: A Constellation of Doubt
%
Rygel: It's a backwards planet full of superstitious, xenophobic morons.
Nothing makes sense if they didn't think of it first and, even then,
it's simplistic drivel.

                                  -- Farscape 4.17: A Constellation of Doubt
%
Aeryn: There was one guard. I don't remember her face. She never told me
her name. She told me a legend about how Sebaceans once had a god
called... Djancaz-bru. Six worlds prayed to her. They built her temples,
conquered planets and yet, one day she still rose up and destroyed all

six worlds. And when the last warrior was dying, he... he said: 'We gave
you everything. Why did you destroy us?' And, she looked down upon him,
and she whispered... 'Because I can.'

                                                    -- Farscape 4.18: Prayer
%
Crichton: I've got a hum in my head, I'm gonna follow it.

Chiana: Oh, you've got something in there, but it's not a brain.

                                                    -- Farscape 4.18: Prayer
%
Crichton: With these wormholes, anything is possible. Somewhere the Cubs
are winning the World Series.

                                                    -- Farscape 4.18: Prayer
%
Trayso: A Luxan assistant?

Noranti: Oh, yes. Luxans make fine pilots, exceptional bodyguards and
superlative lovers

                    -- Farscape 4.19: We're So Screwed (1): Fetal Attraction
%
Sikozu: If the freighter escapes then we abandon all hope.

Crichton: We abandon all hope of leading long and prosperous lives and
we follow the freighter. (About Sikozu) She's still learning.

                    -- Farscape 4.19: We're So Screwed (1): Fetal Attraction
%
Sikozu: What about Scorpius?

Chiana: What about him?

Sikozu: Well he might have been captured!

Chiana: Or killed.

D'Argo: We can only wish.

                    -- Farscape 4.19: We're So Screwed (1): Fetal Attraction
%
Crichton: Harvey? You're not dead.

Harvey: Of course not. I am the - undead.

                    -- Farscape 4.19: We're So Screwed (1): Fetal Attraction
%
Crichton: What do I want? What do I want? I have not been chasing my ass
all over the galaxy trying to pull out chunks of my brain. I have not
been sneaking fembots and Screeths into the place where I live. You want
something. You. You want what's inside my head. You want what I know
about wormholes. Because I can leap tall galaxies in a single bound. I
can scorch planets with a wave of my hand. And you and you and you can't
do jack.

                     -- Farscape 4.20: We're So Screwed (2): Hot to Katratzi
%
Crichton: What am I offered for all the powers of the universe?

                     -- Farscape 4.20: We're So Screwed (2): Hot to Katratzi
%
Crichton: Bill Gates can't guarantee Windows, how can you guarantee my
safety?

                     -- Farscape 4.20: We're So Screwed (2): Hot to Katratzi
%
Crichton: It's John Lee Hooker time: Boom, Boom, Boom.

                     -- Farscape 4.20: We're So Screwed (2): Hot to Katratzi
%
Emperor Staalek: Were you planning to leave?

Crichton: Temporarily. Grayza called with another offer. But you had a
riot going on, we didn't want to bother you, we decided to take our own
car.

Emperor Staalek: I'm glad you didn't. Base defenses have been placed on
highest alert. Any non-Scarran vessels will automatically be targeted
and destroyed.

Crichton: We're very lucky.

Emperor Staalek: We'll transport you to the carrier.

Crichton: That's very kind.

Emperor Staalek: My pleasure. John.

                            -- Farscape 4.21: We're So Screwed (3): La Bomba
%
Noranti: Who's Stark?

Rygel: Another lunatic with the wrong number of eyes.

                            -- Farscape 4.21: We're So Screwed (3): La Bomba
%
Noranti: Oh, I do admire your compartmentalisation of duplicity!

                            -- Farscape 4.21: We're So Screwed (3): La Bomba
%
Sikozu: They're trying to override the overrides!

Crichton: Duelling overrides. Don't you hate that?

                            -- Farscape 4.21: We're So Screwed (3): La Bomba
%
Crichton: What the hell's going on up there?

D'argo: We couldn't override their override of our override.

                            -- Farscape 4.21: We're So Screwed (3): La Bomba
%
Crichton: Hey, did you get my bomb?

Chiana: What?!

Crichton: Wh... I can't believe it. I left a nuclear bomb in an
elevator.

Chiana: That's all right. You've done worse.

                            -- Farscape 4.21: We're So Screwed (3): La Bomba
%
Crichton: Do the math. It's over.

Scorpius: I do not lose!

Crichton: Be happy to give you lessons.

                            -- Farscape 4.21: We're So Screwed (3): La Bomba
%
Grayza: How dare you? Who do you think you are?

Braca: Captain Meeklo Braca, Officer of the Fleet, Peacekeeper
Interplanetary Service.

Grayza: Oh. Nobody.

                            -- Farscape 4.21: We're So Screwed (3): La Bomba
%
Crichton: You used me.

Scorpius: We used each other.

Crichton: You're better at it.

                            -- Farscape 4.21: We're So Screwed (3): La Bomba
%
Grayza: You came in here big and bold, dancing on tabletops. And look at
you now, begging for scraps.

Crichton: I may be jammed, possibly dead. But I am not begging; you can
get that fantasy out of your head.

Grayza: In my hands, you can have peace! I can have peace!

Chrichton: I have been in your hands! There's no peace there - just
power.

Grayza: You are so self-righteous! I have used all my skills, all my
resources, for one perfect chance at peace! And because of you, it is
gone! And I am...

Crichton: Frelled? Screwed? Raped? Welcome to the universe, Commandant.

                            -- Farscape 4.21: We're So Screwed (3): La Bomba
%
Crichton: Hi... Honey. Huh. Guess what I did at work today? I wore a
bomb. A nuclear bomb in a field of flowers. I could get lucky. Tomorrow
I could have a bigger bomb. I could kill... more people. Maybe they'll
be innocent people. Children... maybe.

                            -- Farscape 4.21: We're So Screwed (3): La Bomba
%
Crichton: I'm gonna fail. It's a sin, really.

                                                -- Farscape 4.22: Bad Timing
%
Crichton: What did you imagine for your life?

Aeryn: Service. Promotion. Retirement. Death. You?

Crichton: This is exactly what I imagined. And a couple of kids.

                                                -- Farscape 4.22: Bad Timing
%
[Crichton agonizes over possible failure to destroy the wormhole to
Earth.]

Chiana: Pop the frelling bubble! Make the wormhole collapse!

Crichton: Pip, I can't do it.

Chiana: Yes, you can!

Crichton: I'm not... I'm not smart enough...

Chiana: Yes, you can!

Crichton: ... I'm not fast enough, I am not alien enough, and you know
what, there are people in the universe who don't like me!

                                                -- Farscape 4.22: Bad Timing
%
D'Argo: Grinchlik! I thought you were dead!

Grinchlik: Me? Hardly at all.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
(After having been crystallized for about two months)

Crichton: You said yes.

Aeryn: I did.

Crichton: 60 days, any regrets?

Aeryn: No, it's going really well.

Crichton: Hey, we're gonna get married.

D'Argo & Chiana: Congratulations!

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Eidelon: Begin again.

Crichton: Fine. For the 89th time....once upon a time there was a boy
named John and John was an astronaut. He lived in a far away place
called Earth which is so far away you've never heard of it. One day when
John was out doing astronaut things a big, blue wormhole gobbled him up
and spat him out at the far end of the universe. Things were looking
grim in Mudville, till our hero met an amazing living ship, made some
nice new friends, and he hooked up with his dream girl. We could've
lived happily ever after, but the Peacekeepers raped, chased and
tortured us for years on end. And two months ago, we got our asses shot
off again. This time it was the Scarrans, big reptiles, oh! And Moya,
our living ship, limped her way to your happy planet for a little R&R,
because, we figure, it's empty! Hey, no one is gonna bother us -

[flashback to John and Aeryn on the boat]

Crichton: We're gonna have a baby. Will you marry me?

Aeryn: Yes.

[back to the present interrogation]

Crichton: Next thing, me and the future Mrs. Crichton are have a private
moment when you guys fly by - boom - badda bing - squiggly line,
squiggly line - crystalized and it's two months later.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Aeryn: I feel different.

Crichton: Different how? Like ice cream cucumber different? Everything
is going to be OK. Do you know why? Because we're done. We're checking
out, finito, next Ferengi we see - we run. No questions later.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Chiana: What's their problem?

Stark: Fear. Abject fear.

Noranti: Fear of what?

Stark: Their fear extends to not talking about their fear.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Harvey: (about Scorpius) He does not play dice with the universe.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
[Harvey keeps raising his hand to the chalkboard, saying "sieg heil" in a
very Nazi type way]

Crichton: Listen up, Strangelove.

[John writes Fuck Off on the chalkboard]

Crichton: Make sure he gets that message.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Crichton: I don't think the Peacekeepers are any better than the
Scarrans. So make sure you validate your parking on the way out.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
[pointing a pulse pistol at Rygel]

Aeryn: You are ruining my wedding.

Crichton: Honey.

Aeryn: What?

Crichton: You're pointing a gun at the baby.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Crichton: That's a damn nice set of body armor. Does it come in blue?
(more shooting) What the hell'd you do when you left the fatherland,
steal the goose that laid the golden egg.

Scorpius: I deserted my post.

Crichton: It's amazing what a man'll do when he's in love.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Aeryn: Who's taking fire?

Crichton: Ha! Who isn't?

Aeryn: Are you all right?

Crichton: Hell, other than being shot at by the Electric Mayhem, I'm
fantastic.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Rygel (to Jool): Get your own fantasy, dreadlocks, they're having MY
baby.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Yondalao: Are you assassin?

Crichton: No, I'm just the guy without a brain. The lion here would like
some courage. Tin man, he needs a heart. Todo here just wants an easy
birth and Dorothy here, she is just looking for a way home. Now we're
not going to be here tomorrow so I suggest you take a long, hard look at
our broomstick. He is your heir.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Crichton: Is it just me, or is he getting bigger?

Aeryn: It's a geometric pregnancy.

Crichton: Please tell me that means we're going to have a mathematician.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Crichton: You just made a joke.

Aeryn: Soldiers don't have a sense of humor.

Crichton: [in an exaggerated Southern drawl] You better have my dinner
ready when I get back on that ship now.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Crichton: You know what, the big hand says I don't have time to argue,
and the little hand says, Pikall, it's time to go.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
War Minister Ahkna: The Emperor will never go alone with you in your
craft. I will accompany you.

Crichton: Yes! It's always good to see who wears the britches in a
relationship.

Emperor Staleek: No, set a course to rejoin the battlegroup at the Water
Planet. We will leave as soon as I return.

Crichton (to Ahkna): It's a question of balls. The ball's in his court.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Staleek: There is no wormhole here.

Crichton: We're catching the 7:15 to enlightenment. It's just a little
late.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Ahkna: I promise you, you will never be reunited with your baby.

Aeryn: I'm sure your mother wished the same thing.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Staleek: This is the source of your knowledge?

Crichton: That, and the backs of cereal boxes. Hitch up your diaper, Big
Boy; the first time is always the worst.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Einstein: Returning here was wrong.

Crichton: I have to protect the people I love, and you owe me for
putting that crap in my head.

Einstein: It may soon be prudent to remove it.

Crichton: Amen, I want to be blonde again.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Crichton (to Staalek): We should get back, before Rygel damages your
wife.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
D'Argo: John, Aeryn - are you there?

Crichton: Oh, I'm hearing dead people. D, how are you alive?

D'Argo: Long story. Can I give you a ride?

Crichton: Absolutely. In what?

D'Argo: Well, that's gonna be a big surprise. You stay put, we've got a
fix on you. We'll come to you.

Crichton: Alright. You heard him folks. This is the Alamo.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Einstein: Time

Crichton: 's up

Einstein: Time

Crichton: Flies

Einstein: Time

Crichton: Bandits

Einstein: Time

Crichton: Wounds all heals

Einstein: Time

Crichton: Rosemary and...

Einstein: Time

Crichton: Time ends

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Aeryn: This is what you want. This is what you want.

Crichton: No, Aeryn, it is not what I want. It's just that fate keeps
blocking all the exits. And no matter what I do I just keep circling
closer to the flame.

Aeryn: Then pull back. This war is not your responsibility.

Crichton: You and the baby are my responsibility. How am I supposed to
protect you from the Peacekeepers and the Scarrans and the Tregans and
the lions and tigers and bears? With this? Winona? This gun? No gun is
big enough.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Crichton: Your light, it's not your regular brand.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Braca: You're the reinforcements?

Crichton: No we're the band. Looks like Kiss was the opening act.

D'Argo: Frell, I'm in the wrong band.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Aeryn: We should disassemble the weaker munitions - make our own shock
grenades.

Crichton: Arts and crafts, she's gonna be a great mom.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
D'Argo: How's your honeymoon?

Crichton: Well, the brochure was better. I hear Bolivia is perfect for a
honeymoon.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
[D'Argo is mortally wounded and elects to stay behind to hold off the
Scarrans.]

Crichton: You're the closest friend I have.

D'Argo: You could have done better.

Crichton: Nowhere in the universe.

D'Argo: You've got a lot of life to live, John. Do big things. (pause)
Do me a favor.

Crichton: Name it.

D'Argo: Chiana

Crichton: I'll look after her...I'll take care...Nothing will happen
to...

D'Argo: [cuts him off] I...want to talk...to Chiana...

[they both laugh]

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Crichton: The first Scarran you see, you tell him who his daddy is. Tell
him, D'Argo.

[A few scenes later, the Charrids & Scarrans attack.]

D'Argo: I'm your daddy!

[D'Argo starts blasting.]

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Rygel (to Aeryn, of the baby): I don't care what you say, it's got my
nose.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Crichton: Come here. Closer. You want to see it? The thing you've been
chasing my ass all over the universe for? Torturing me, my wife, my
friends for? The wormhole weapon? You want to see it?

Scorpius: Yes

Crichton: Beg

Scorpius: I beg you.

Crichton: That's not good enough. Say please.

Scorpius: Please

Crichton: Pretty please

Scorpius: Pretty please

Together: With a cherry on top.

Crichton: Happy Birthday. Now, get out of my sight.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Scorpius: Is this some kind of joke?

Crichton: Cosmic. Keep watching, blink and you'll miss it. (John points
to a spot appearing in the distance.) There. Isn't that sweet. Baby's
gonna grow. Pilot, are my comms open? It's time for a birth
announcement.

Pilot: Comms are open, Commander.

Crichton: Attention ladies & gentlemen and all ships at sea. If you look
out your front window, you will see, by special request, your very own
wormhole weapon.

Chiana: Crichton, what's happening?

Crichton: The end of all this crap. Hey, Emperor Sleestack - you big
upright iguana! - What does it look like from the Death Star? ... Can I
get a huzzah from the grand Peacekeeper Bitch! Wormhole at 12 o'clock,
Lucy.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Crichton: Okay boys and girls, here are the rules. Find a penny, pick it
up. Double it, you've got two pennies. Double it again - four. Double it
27 more times, and you've got a million dollars and the IRS all over
your ass. Round and round and round it goes, where it stops nobody
knows, but it all adds up...quick.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Crichton: Here's how it lays out. Are you listening Stahleek? Grayza?
Wormhole weapons do not make peace. Wormhole weapons do not even make
war. They make total destruction, annihilation, Armageddon. People make
peace.

Chiana: Crichton, can you stop it?

Crichton: I don't know, Pip. Maybe it eats the whole galaxy, a monumental
black hole, a giant whirling headstone marking the spot where we all
used to live and play and slaughter the innocent.

Scorpius: This is insane, Crichton.

[John lets out a choked laugh.]

Crichton: God! Four years on and you're finally getting that.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
Harvey: Good-bye, John. Thanks for your memories.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
%
[holding his baby up to spaceship viewport]

Crichton: This is your playground.

                                           -- Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars
